Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize