i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
