can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
