i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
