I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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