You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
