I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
