Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
