next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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