I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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