Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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