there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
