I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
