i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
