I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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