So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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