Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
