Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
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