I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
