i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
