thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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