It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
