Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
