i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
