I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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