I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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