Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
