meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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