I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
