I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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