I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It's rum buckets o'clock
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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