I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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