just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize