Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
