by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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