you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
