i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
