omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
In America we eat man semen.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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