fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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