I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
