Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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