The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize