I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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