That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
