Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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