Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
