me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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