Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize