Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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