you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
