I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
