i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
