I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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