hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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