Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
