Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just googled if crying burns calories
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
