u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
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