What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
