Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
