I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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