Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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