I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
